SGN Business Insider: Best Businesses to Work for in 2016

Sammiches822

Jet Faust, Business Columnist

Who Should I Work for?

With 2016 just ringing in, many of you have probably made the typical resolutions: lose weight, eat better, get a new hobby. But what about searching for better business opportunities? With the current global surplus of available jobs, finding one that suits your interests and style is no hard task. But how do you know what businesses you should work for? People typically look for three things: stability, income, and comfort. We've gathered five of the best businesses to be an employee at, only slightly skewed by bribes, blackmail, and unfulfilled promises. 

5. Pan-Demmatrodine Construction

Pan-Demmatrodine Construction, better known as Pan-Dem, is a multi-million dollar contractor firm specializing in construction throughout the Demmatrodine Region, and the favored firm of the New Sammichian Empire. If you enjoy working shirtless and emaciated in the sweltering Demmatrodine heat, this is definitely the business for you. Pan-Dem performs most construction for the Empire, so stability and having a wealthy reliable client is guaranteed. With only 843 reported deaths during construction in company history (along with about 350 missing workers), working here is a great way to commit suicide while earning a bit of cash on the side; employees get paid in chocolate coins which typically melt in the desert before they can be put to use, and the foil is made from an aluminum-mercury alloy, so you can't really hold on to them or else you'll come down with a wicked case of mercury poisoning. But all of this work pays off when you retire and take advantage of the company's epic retirement plan at the ripe age of 85.

4. Kim Jong Un Root Beer and Uranium Refinery Best #1

Often shortened to Kjurburb-1, this industrial plant located in Potatovale offers everything a mindless husk loyal to the ruling class could be directed to want. As they always say, diversification is key; Kjurburb-1 not only specializes in root beer production and the refinement of uranium, but also bomb assembly, razor-blade sharpening, aerosol can manufacturing, and the hub of the local government-condoned television industry. Kjurburb-1 is also the only factory in Potatovale, so it dominates local markets and secures a stable workplace for you and your children. Nearby the main plant is Habitation Blocks 133A-189T, ensuring a fast and easy commute to your job via Secret Police cruisers or tied to a pack of feral dogs. A sense of inherent camaraderie is established between workers as you kiss the genitals of the platinum statue of Dear Leader in the factory lobby on your way in for work. 

3. Eroticon-6

This nightclub in energetic Venezia Beach, Fulfwotz, is an employee's heaven: one emergency exit door, promiscuous exotic dancers who beg for tips (and might poison you if you refuse), an aging owner who always wears sunglasses and lurks in the back of the club flirting with girls young enough to be his granddaughters, and obnoxious patrons who assault bouncers in packs when denied entry. What's not to love? While your job may only involve breaking up (and inevitably pulled into) fights within the club or pouring drinks (that will inevitably be drugged), your skills are really put to the test when a fire breaks out and you're in charge of guiding a horde of conceited patrons through the emergency exit door where they'll get jammed and stuck and kill whoever's left inside the club. While it may not be the most stable of jobs, or comfortable, or fair-paying,

2. Mount Britain Prison

The largest prison in the Shire also holds some of the most-overlooked positions for prospective employees. Being completely autonomous, this unsanctioned penitentiary is the I-killed-small-animals-as-a-child person's dream. Goonish prison guards are mirror images of the prisoners themselves, except in different clothing, and brutality goes dutifully unnoticed. Feel free to assault any sissy bitch prisoner, from that one guy who killed a whole family, to the other who was caught selling pot that one time. In fact, the place is so carefree and unrestricted in its operations that even Fulfwotz condemned its actions and cut funding. Who're they to trample your rowdy fun? Pay is meager, but you typically live at the prison and you're able to take out any rage on the prisoners or in the state-of-the-art workout room that goes relatively unused by the verging-on-obese guards. 

1. Jade Rabbit Massage Parlor

This obscure massage parlor in the lower tiers of Oranjestad is the physical embodiment of the word "slippery". You're engaged in constant hands-on action with your clients, providing sensual services designed to soothe overworked muscles and release tension, both physically and mentally. You can't be afraid to lube up and really dig deep to mitigate the soreness of your client's muscles! The pay isn't the best, but you typically work for tips, so true effort is involved. You're also subject to constant supervision and monitoring by the overbearing owner of the parlor, but grease his wheels and you might even get a little more spending money! Booyah!

~SGN Online, helping you act like you care~

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Nina Aurelio, Knavobuki- i used to work at the jade rabbit but the owner sent thugs after me when i went to work at another one

Winifred Kruger, Mainland- my husband works for Pan-Dem and his boss sent us the nicest gift for Xmas!!! it was him inside me

Deborah Riley, Babylon- when the people from SGN who wrote this article showed up to my business im pretty sure they stole some of my candles like im not 100% sure i could have lost them but im pretty sure they stole

Cameron Wilkes, New Enderton- 1 like=I Love Jesus  ..... Comment "AMEN"= I Want To Go To HEaven ....ignore = rot in hell Child of Satan.....choose wisely

Sammiches822

AMEN

Hay

AMEN

Vetous

The SIA is also hiring! With the creation of our new research facility we offer great positions as "human subjects." 

Now, due to the secretive nature of our research we cant actually tell you what we will be testing on you.... In fact, you have to sign a non-disclosure agreement, that, upon your survival of the tests (and in the event you aren't brain dead), you can never tell anyone what we did to you! It means less mess for you and for me, since you cant talk to lawyers and.. well you can't interact with anyone! Besides, human interaction is overrated. 

If that all sounds rather unpleasant, just remember, we offer a full dental plan! Nothing beats full dental! 

Sammiches822

@Vetous I have no teeth

Vetous

@sammiches822

was it all the meth

Sammiches822

@Vetous yes