SGN's Picks 2016: Top 5 Hottest Celebs in Follywood

Sammiches822

Marlena Divecchio, Follywood Columnist

Hunks, starlets, and harlots. Follywood is overflowing with them. They're what gives you wet dreams, what occupies your search history at 2 in the morning. They're what the Follywood Slanderer soils their pants about (unlike SGN, which holds itself to a higher standard and does it in the toilet instead). In the spirit of praising the beautiful and making everyone else feel inadequate, this year's hottest list has finally made its way to the masses. Make sure you bookmark this article; you'll certainly want to look up these names later.

#5. Giovanni Addario

This Caffan-born beauty made his way to stardom following his debut in the 2009 controversial historical epic Eroina, which recounts the revolt of Venezian slaves in the ancient empire of Xamichia under the legendary Caffan heroine Eroina. Addario played the role of Luca, the protagonist's male lover. What a lucky girl! Giovanni has since transitioned to roles in romance flicks. Giovanni enjoys spending time with his large family at their orchard in Caffa. Rumors ignited the internet of a fling between him and musician Nadine Astari, and the two have been inseparable ever since. Addario's hobbies include hiking, knitting miniature clothes for mice, and eating lizards.

#4. Juliette Vanderbeek

Juliette is everyone's favorite good-girl-gone-bad. Formerly a child actress starring in acclaimed children's show Street Corner Bitch, Juliette dropped the innocent goodie disguise and garnered worldwide attention after allegedly vandalizing the Aguarica Aqueduct (which supplies Fulfwotz with freshwater from Aphrodite's Lake), leading to temporary city-wide dehydration. Rebellious! Since then, casting directors have flocked to her doorstep to offer her roles in some of Follywood's most gritty and provocative films. Some of Vanderbeek's favorite pastimes include photosynthesizing and personally airbrushing and retouching photos of herself to hide the birthmark on her forehead in the shape of an ancient Enpeecee sacrificial ritual, in which a victim's fingers are removed, inserted rectally, and their chest is filled with hot coals.

#3. Alexander Cohen

Known as the Prince of Follywood, Cohen finds his audience in the action genre; but he was first discovered by the audience as a street performer in Oranjestad. Equipped with cat-like reflexes and years of experience under his belt, Cohen is famous for doing nearly all of his own stunts in films. Girls and guys alike swoon for this city boy, and his impoverished upbringing still makes his way into his new star-studded life. For example, Alexander has said he's extremely shrewd with his money and has a knack for budgeting; he also claims to occasionally steal loaves of bread from the bakery near his Venezia Beach home, and shared some great recipes on how to make a cockroach-lemon reduction which goes great with rat flesh. Yum! Thanks for sharing, Alex!

#2. Mimi Chen

First discovered working the sound set on the early 90's soap opera Follywood Vice, she was offered a role when the original co-star Katrina Maxis became 'unbearable'. She was incredibly popular with viewers and eventually went on to star in the 2012 feature-length film adaption of the TV show. She also worked with world-famous fashion designer Kara Ylus Luzu to promote her new fashion line KYL Provocateur, which led to a career in modelling. Today, however, Chen has expressed an interest in the business world, launching her own line of plus-sized dog clothing and high-end jewelry. She was praised for the personal touch she includes in every product, which is a handwritten note explicitly describing the time and manner in which the customer will die. Whattawoman!

#1. Sexiest Celebrity in Follywood: Katya Krugerrand

And the title of Follywood's Sexiest goes to Katya Krugerrand, famed actress and supermodel. Daughter of the current Sammichian High Chancellor Kiera C. Krugerrand, Katya expressed desires to distance herself from the political prestige and conservative attitudes of her family, making a name for herself in the entertainment industry. She originally modeled for Haute International, but left to star in a sex tape. Since then she's been a common face in many movies, though we certainly never get tired of seeing her! She acquired a large social media following on Twitter after starting the hashtag #FreeTheHorn, promoting Sammichian body positivity in a society where many Narwhal Sammichians choose to encrust their horns with precious stones and gold/silver accents. Her horn is completely bare. Katya enjoys attention, traveling with her entourage, and selling her hair to poor people. So charitable! We can't wait to see more of Follywood's Sexiest Celeb in the future!

~SGN Online, helping you act like you care~

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Tyler Moore, Budapest- what ever happened to the fulflet union

Elizabeth Monterrey, Acadie- y am i not on this list do you know how many nude pictures of myself ive mailed to follywood celebs tihs is BS

Eric Malfette, Athitica- not as hot as my gamer gf

Donna Freeman, Leuton- uireeeeeeeeeeeeeeee87reuiiiiiieiruuuuuuuuuuuu8784484uhr777777777

Hay

Um. I read in another article that Katya's horn has had a lot of work done to it - and that's why she can't adorn it. Is this true? D=

nebbers

Ugh, I used to watch Street Corner Bitch in college!  SUCH a classic!  

Sammiches822

@Hay can not even begin to tell you what a racist and bigoted accusation that is

Hay

[quote="Sammiches822;5578"]@Hay can not even begin to tell you what a racist and bigoted accusation that is[/quote]



Ok but... so are we going with neither the "yes" or "no" answer, then? I mean, it's fine! There's nothing wrong with getting some horn work done. I know plenty of Sammichian who've had horn work. A couple of my good friends have even had horn work.