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BREAKING NEWS - SAMGASMI OUTBREAK INFECTS GROENEVELDEN WHEAT
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Wuggeh0
Member, Wiki Editor
GROENEVELDEN - The recent outbreak of Samgasmi in Pieskville, Riverwood is not the only case of Samgasmi currently affecting The Shire. As of 6pm April 28th, Paarsdam General Hospital has reported twelve patients infected with the disease, all in critical condition. All had eaten products with wheat grown in Groenevelden, traced to several farms in the area. One person, 86 year old Klaus Sufwitz of South Paarsdam, has passed from the symptoms.
The Republiek Department of Health (Gezundheidsafdeling) has dispatched agents to Groenevelden to test the wheat and regain control if the situation. They have also issued a statement:
“Our utmost priority is to ensure the safety of the public. We are issuing a recall of all wheat products from the Groenevelden area, and are opening diplomatic channels to increase the import of wheat from Sol. Please be diligent, and report any sickness or strange behavior from the people around you. Quarantines are currently in effect, particularly around the hospitals and the crop stores in Groenevelden.”
In light of this information, we at the Paarsdamer are taking the more-than-necessary precautions to prevent infection. We have all gone gluten free, and are purging dissenters within our ranks. We also have abandoned starches and vegetables because they grow in the ground, as well as wheat- and seed-fed animals. And also fruit, because why would we ever eat fruit?
Join us, citizens of Paarsdam who, for some reason, still read the newspaper. Join us in eating paper and raw gruel. Crush the non-believers. Cast them out from society. Gluten is toast.
At press time, the Minister of Health was seen in a local Costa, eating an organic pinecone, and softly crying to himself.
The Republiek Department of Health (Gezundheidsafdeling) has dispatched agents to Groenevelden to test the wheat and regain control if the situation. They have also issued a statement:
“Our utmost priority is to ensure the safety of the public. We are issuing a recall of all wheat products from the Groenevelden area, and are opening diplomatic channels to increase the import of wheat from Sol. Please be diligent, and report any sickness or strange behavior from the people around you. Quarantines are currently in effect, particularly around the hospitals and the crop stores in Groenevelden.”
In light of this information, we at the Paarsdamer are taking the more-than-necessary precautions to prevent infection. We have all gone gluten free, and are purging dissenters within our ranks. We also have abandoned starches and vegetables because they grow in the ground, as well as wheat- and seed-fed animals. And also fruit, because why would we ever eat fruit?
Join us, citizens of Paarsdam who, for some reason, still read the newspaper. Join us in eating paper and raw gruel. Crush the non-believers. Cast them out from society. Gluten is toast.
At press time, the Minister of Health was seen in a local Costa, eating an organic pinecone, and softly crying to himself.
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