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David Davidson's Film Critique - The Trainkillers

Judge_Dreddpool Member, Wiki Editor
edited March 2019 in Shire Global News

-[David Davidson's Film Critique: The Trainkillers]-

To many people, the works of film-making brothers Arthur & Percy Ofpoop are considered underrated masterpieces that have earned their spot amongst some of the greatest films ever made. However, few could anticipate the success their latest film "The Trainkillers" would enjoy. Currently sitting at a 97% on Shire Tomatoes (With the film having been given the elusive "Certified: Fresh" rating only five minutes ago) & having already made $429m at the box office worldwide since its release yesterday, it's time for me to get my review in.

The following review may or may not contain spoilers and/or mild language. If you are sensitive to either & don't want to read this, then get the smeg off this website you snowflake.

-[Overview of the plot:]-

With his Trains having outdone their usefulness, the Fat Controller (Some no-name actor) hires Professor Marcus (Alec Guinness) & his crew to assassinate Duck, James, Diesel, Gordon, Oliver & Percy, before giving them accomidation at the home of Mrs. Wilberforce (Katie Johnson) as she lives near the train station. What follows is a sure fire comedy as the crew go about taking care of the Trains with a hint of comedy from the Ofpoop's previous film "Toad's Wintry Willies".

-[The Verdict:]-

I'll be honest, I was nervous at first about seeing this film. I have respect for the Ofpoop brothers & the films they've made.

However, this film is a blast to watch. With several cameo's (from Nick Frost asking for a Cornetto inside James, to the Pink Panther appearing in a "Blink-and-you-miss-it" appearance), Wallace & Gromit getting their house destroyed by Duck crashing into it, Charles Laughton making yet another appearance as the all powerful moon & a dance number by several of the cast, this is surely one of 2019's best films.


5/5 - The Ofpoop brothers have their first major hit that is sure to sweep the Shire Oscars later this year.


Next week, I'll be going back in time to 2017 & undergoing some serious method acting as I revisit Samuel "Sapphire Foxx" Arlington's awarding winning drama "Getting into Character". Till then, thank god for me.


Johnny Wiseau, Riverwood - This film was a joke that cost me $15 & 2 hours of my life that I can't get back. I made a far better film than this bullshit. If you want to watch it, it's called The Room.

Ulfric Stormcloak, Fulfwotz - @Johnny Wiseau The Room? As in (And I quote from literally every person who reviewed it) "The worst movie ever made in the history of the Shire"?

Johnny Wiseau, Riverwood - @Ulfric Stormcloak YOU'RE TEARING APART ULFRIC!! [User was banned for 1 week for harrassment| "Take some time off the internet & get a life already for smegs sake!" - Admin: Arnold Rimmer]

Jim Pickens, Winterfell - The Trainkillers? More like.... Bore Ragnarok. ....I'll get my coat.



  • Hey. I have a question. What am I supposed to do with the 76 Laurelii citizens who went to see this movie and came back convinced they're all the lost love children of the Emperor and a Solurian guard???

    I'm gonna need someone to look at the subliminals in this film. I thought that was banned 20 years ago.

  • Smoot
    Smoot Member, Engineer, Wiki Editor
    edited March 2019

    Duck destroying Wallace and Gromit's house is the best action scene of 2019.

    43.765 naoki citizens couldn't sleep for weeks after seeing the film due to a reported non-stop influx of adrenaline.

  • Judge_Dreddpool
    Judge_Dreddpool Member, Wiki Editor
    edited March 2019

    @Hay Subliminals? I don't quite understand what you mean. Clearly, the film had none of those secret "They Live"-style messages. If you're looking for subliminals in films, I'd advise investigating the works of Samuel Arlington. Several strange things have been reported during viewings of his films (I.E: Subliminal messages, characters emerging from the movies & making viewers give up their seats for them, viewers having their gender suddenly change [Example: In 2016, a guy had gone to watch Matchmaker at his local cinema. By the end of the film, he'd turned into a chick.]), so yeah...

    @Smoot I agree. And from what I heard, the film's been nominated for several awards at the Shire Oscars this year. Considering the other nominee's their up against, I say the chances of the film bagging an award or two is likely.

    • Best Actor Nominations: Alec Guinness (Professor Marcus - The Trainkillers), Norman Reedus (Sam - Deadly Standing), Roger Craig Smith (Ezio Auditore - Assassin's Creed II: History Booglie) & Robert Downey Jr. (Rony Stank/Metal-Man - Revengers: Ouroborus Conflict).
    • Best Supporting Actor nominations: Clancy Brown (Hank Anderson - Detroit: Became Human), Josh Brolin (Nate Winters/Wire - Bedtool the 2nd), Charles Laughton (The Moon/Himself - The Trainkillers) & Some No-Name Italian Actor (Santa D'Anta - Ron Dick: Episode 2)
    • Best Director Nominations: Hodeo Kojumbo (Deadly Standing), Arthur & Percy Ofpoop (The Trainkillers), The Russo Brothers (Revengers: Ouroborus Conflict) & Samuel "Sapphire Foxx" Arlington (Undercover Agent 2: Operation G.E.T. B.E.N.T.)
    • Best Scene: Sam Fisher's farwell to Snake (Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon 5: Wildlands), The Car Chase sequence (The Trainkillers), Bhanos's Hand Clap (Revengers: Ouroborus Conflict) & Spear's Transformation (Undercover Agent 2: Operation G.E.T. B.E.N.T.)
    • Best Film: The Trainkillers, Revengers: Ouroborus Conflict, Deadly Standing & Undercover Agent 2: Operation G.E.T. B.E.N.T.

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